Tutankhamun led an esteemed, albeit brief life. He was crowned King of Egypt at age 9, the same age that most people master brushing their teeth. The Egyptian Army was under his control for the following 10 years, before his untimely death at age 19 (untimely may be the wrong word, as he was still above the average life expectancy at this age).
Described as a fine leader of men, and well respected by all soldiers below him, King Tut (as he was referred to by those in the know) was appropriately honoured by being buried in the largest coffin that existed at this time. While this may sound like a bizarre way of thanking such a fine King, it is put into perspective when you learn that he was also buried with 145 pairs of underwear, no heart and a permanent erection.
Several millennia following the burial, scientists uncovered his enormous coffin, missing one key component – his loyal member downstairs. It has remains unclear who, or what, was responsible for the final missing soldier of his reign.
Various reports have speculated that 145 pairs of men’s underwear lowered the quality of circulation to his tackle, and this was enough to make it detach from his body over 3,300 years. There are rumours that an archaeologist dropped the poor thing while on the way to the lab for testing. This archaeologist has firmly denied these reports.
A medical report from the American Medical Association has suggested that King Tut may have suffered from Antley-Bixler syndrome – a genetic condition characterised by distinctive malformations to various parts of the skeleton, including the mid region.
One other theory is that a descendent of King Tut was aware of a vicious rumour that had been circulating around the size of his wartime hero, and chose to hide it to save his family’s pride.
While it is nearly impossible to be certain of the reason, we at Junkmail HQ firmly believe that King Tut’s weapon would have been kept safe, sound and attached had it been wrapped up in a pair of Junkmails - like all members should be.